Baby Steps: Top Parental-Leave Tips from Lawyers Who’ve Been There

Becoming a parent comes with a lot of unknowns – and no shortage of well-intended advice from a variety of sources. But, particularly for lawyers entering the uncharted territory of parental leave within a profession that has a culture and cadence all its own, the most constructive and reassuring intel often comes from peers who’ve navigated that same terrain. A recent OBA program brought together three lawyers who have made the transition to parenthood, who spoke candidly about their experiences – how they approached communication with colleagues and clients; how they planned financially; and how they redefined balance, boundaries and priorities – to offer a welcome sense of what to expect, what to consider, and what approaches worked well for others in the midst of this transformative life event.

Here, we’ve rounded up some of the most illuminating ideas put forth by the program’s very gracious panelists: OBA President Katy Commisso, Buset LLP; Efua Gyan, Efua K. Gyan Legal Services & Consulting; and David Isaac, Lerners LLP.

Have Early, Upfront Conversations with Firm Leadership

“Early on, because of being a small firm, we started to have logistical discussions about what my leave would look like. I had a good experience with those discussions, I will say. And it was a bit like unchartered territory. I was the first partner, I think, ever at my firm to go on a paternity or maternity leave. We've had associates, but just the first time this had happened in this context. I had been paying into EI as a self-employed person. So that was helpful … I had those discussions early on, too, about what the financial aspects of my leave would look like and work management with my files. I think that was necessary, because of the nature of my practice.” – Katy

Remember Transition Memos and (for employers) Mentorship

“No one told me that I had to do transition memos until about a week before I was planning on leaving. And I didn't have any friends who had gone on leaves at that time, so I didn't know. So, there was a sort of moment of panic … And I wonder, partially maybe because I was a guy, that no one at the firm kind of thought, ‘hey, someone needs to mentor him about what to do here.’ But I think in the few years since, things have started to change. I know the process is a lot smoother for everyone [at the firm], men and women.” – David

Communicate with Clients and Colleagues About Your Files

“I was junior enough that I didn't have that many of my own files. I was primarily working on files under partners. So that transition was, I think, relatively smooth for those clients – just kind of saying, ‘hey, the person you've been emailing with, you won't be emailing with them for a couple of months.’ And that was really it for the couple of files that I had in my own name: this is what's happening, here's who's gonna be taking over. From the client side, people were very understanding and supportive.” – David

“Reasonably, clients are concerned about the continuity of their files. So, depending on the nature of the matter, I would tell clients earlier. We would discuss the game plan that I have suggested in respect of how their matter would be handled specifically. I had files that had substantive things that would be happening while I was off, whether it be examinations or some kind of a hearing or court appearances. So, in those instances, I was certainly putting together what the game plan would be while I was off and making sure that that was something the client was comfortable with. I had to take a close look at my file list, which luckily I do anyway on a regular basis, and I triaged them in terms of which files needed more significant plans and which ones, did not.” – Katy

Work the Budget

“I applied for EI and then I had my [firm’s] top-up for six months. And in that time, I tried to put money aside. And then, once the six months ended, I was only receiving EI, and, at the time, the maximum was less than my rent – so very tight. And I thought, these months are gonna be hard … I just have to get through these summer months. As soon as I get back to work, it's gonna be fine. And it was not, because when I got back to work, it was rent, it was my law school debt, it was daycare right before Trudeau did his $10 a day thing. So, at the time, I was paying an exorbitant amount of money for daycare, car payments, car insurance. I literally was drowning and basically would've drowned if not for the support of my firm and the bonus I received in December – which, thankfully, I am privileged to have worked at a firm where that was pretty standard to have the bonus at that time. And I was able to right the ship. But it's hard. It's expensive. And the things add up pretty fast. So, it's important to save as much as you can.” - Efua

“Think about what your collection cycle is generally like – like look at the math and look at, well, if I take X months off, how will that impact me? And do that work. It'll help you in discussing your leave with your employer, but it'll also just help you understand getting back into it when you come back.” - Katy

Find your Village

“I actually met a wise woman who told me to bury the term 'single mom' and never use it, and to only refer to myself as a 'double parent' because I do double or triple the work. So, you know, as a double parent, it is different and it feels a bit more overwhelming, I guess, because it is much harder to manage things that are last minute. I have a WhatsApp group, and I have to send SOS alerts in there and alert ‘the village’, you know, whether it's sick from daycare [or another emergency], that's how I've been able to make it work… I remember when I had my daughter's first birthday party, I threw a huge extravagant party and it was to thank my village. And I remember looking around feeling like, if this is what double parenthood is gonna look like for me, then we are going to be fine. And I really think, no matter parent or not, the best investment you can ever make is in relationships, in your friendships, your family. And so, the village is key. And I would say for all parents to get mom friends. I thought, I'm not gonna need mom friends, like, I'm just gonna wait for my friends to become moms. But my close friends who are moms don't necessarily live in the same city as me anymore and, really, the mom friends I've made at daycare. It’s really important to have people who are going through it.” - Efua

Create the Best Balance You Can … Understand it’s Imperfect

“I made a lot of adjustments at home, so, you know, we found we were very intentional about finding daycares and schools and things that were close to our house. I live fairly close to our office, so just cutting down the commute time was really important. Relying on grandparents for some of those pickups and drop-offs and emergency babysitting when the kid is sick and you have a hearing and you can't do both. So, things like that to try and cover those emergencies that come up. Still working on the balance. But yeah, you take it day by day.” – David

“So, in terms of finding a balance, one thing I did very early on was I would block off time in my calendar for daycare drop-off, so that I didn't have to explain to someone why I wasn't available for a client call at 8:30 in the morning. I just wasn't – that just wasn’t – available in my calendar. And same thing from 5:00 to 8:30. I've been really protective of my time with her. Sometimes the balance is protecting that time. Other times the balance is I'm a role model and I want her to see me doing my thing. That's why my best friend is here with me tonight. I want her to see me being lawyer, mommy, and going out there and doing all the great things so that she knows she can do anything she wants to. I think the balancing is a work in progress every single day.” – Efua

Set Boundaries that Make Sense for You

“Just having that sort of line in the sand where you're the parent you want to be and you know that it's gonna have an impact on your career, you have to turn away clients or say no to a partner because you're at capacity. That's very difficult. And it's difficult to sort of get your head around, especially when you're starting off in your career, in law school, summering, articling, it's just, you know, say yes to everything. You always have capacity. And you can't … Burnout's a real thing in the profession, whether you're a parent or not. So, I think this is probably just good sort of general advice, not just good advice for lawyer parents, but being firm with those boundaries and setting those boundaries early, and keeping to them is, is difficult.” – David

“If you start to respond to emails, no one has time to remember that you're on maternity leave. They just will now see you as someone who's responding to emails and then they'll continue to email you. One thing my firm did that I did like was that, even though I was off and that boundary was very much respected, I was still invited to functions … I was very much welcome to bring my daughter, bring my mom. You know: we'll give you a two-bedroom wherever we're staying … And a lot of other parents on leave, I would see them at these things that they were welcome to attend. And so, it's nice to not feel like you're totally outside. But the work boundary can be a dangerous one to open if that's not actually what you wanna be doing on your leave. And I wouldn't necessarily recommend it.” – Efua

Take the Time You Need

“Take a real leave, take six months, take a year. There are two huge benefits to that. The one benefit that people might not think of off the top of their head is that this can really impact the women in the profession. Taking a parental leave is still seen as a very sort of gendered thing. I was talking with somebody in the reception earlier who had an offer of employment rescinded when they found out that she was pregnant. I think we've probably all talked to women who have been told, either directly or indirectly, you're not worth investing in because you're gonna be here for a couple years and then you're gonna have a baby, and then you're gonna be gone. Or, you know, you're gonna be on leave for so long, it’s just gonna make things too complicated. If men start taking significant parental leaves, the people who think that way can't think that way anymore, because everyone's going to be taking those leaves. So, you're doing the entire profession a service by taking a real parental leave. And then the other thing is you get to spend time with your kid. It's not financially the right decision, you're going to lose money by doing that. But tthat time with your kid is something that you can't buy no matter how many hours you bill.” – David

When in Doubt, Navigate by the Stars

“I think what helped me navigate my transition was I thought critically to myself about what kind of parent I want to be and what kind of lawyer I want to be. And, I thought to myself that when it comes to making decisions and trying to basically run my day every day – because I feel like as a parent, you're commander-in-chief, you're in charge of a person, you're in charge of your household, you're in charge of yourself – my daughter is my North Star. And if I just make every decision with her in mind and whatever's the best interest for her, then I can just feel reassured about everything I'm doing.” – Efua

Hear more from our lawyer panelists, as well as reproductive endocrinology & infertility specialist, Dr. Shirin Dason, by accessing our Navigating the Transition to Parenthood program on demand here: https://www.cbapd.org/details_en.aspx?id=on_on26olc13t.