The Good, the Bad and the Messy: Mysteries of Midlife Revealed

A stage of life neither magical nor miserable, midlife is mystifying for many women – bringing unexpected challenges, questions and realizations that affect mind, body and soul. At a recent OBA Community Event, author Ann Douglas brought facts and stories – capturing the experiences of hundreds of midlife women – to a validating, illuminating and supportive discussion of Navigating the Messy Middle.

Below are some of Ann’s most compelling quotes from that candid conversation about a confounding transition, touching on everything from the pressures to stay young, to step aside and to meet impossible ‘sandwich generation’ demands, to the possibilities in new skills and perspectives, strengthened community and political capital, and arrival at a place of self-acceptance and celebration.

Storytelling and Shared Imagining

“The mere act of telling a story to another person forces you to structure that story in a way that gives it meaning. And in creating that meaning for others, you end up unlocking that sense of meaning for yourself. And that's when things start to get really exciting. In those moments of shared imagining, my story stops being just about me. Your story stops being just about you. Our story starts being about who we are and who we aspire to be. Together. There's radical potential in that act, in that shared act of re-imagining from a chorus of women's voices rising together.”

Is that Normal?

“I remember one of the women I interviewed for the book said she'd actually started a Facebook group and she was astounded that, you know, when she would say, has anybody experienced this weird thing? Somebody would go, oh yeah, I had that. And then there'd be like a hundred other things going on. And I think sometimes all you need to know is, is this normal? Right? Well, there is no normal when it comes to anything. We're all one of a kind, but just having somebody else say, yeah, I went through that.”

The View from Midlife

“I often think, because I walk a lot outdoors and I love hiking, that when you're at the top of a summit and you can sort of look and see over there and over there, that's the view from midlife. And that's what I found really transformative. Suddenly so many things made sense. I could understand the person that 12-year-old me was and who I am, you know, now I'm 62, so in my sixties, and who I hope to be as I grow older. It's just amazing to sort of be able to connect those dots.”

Eternal Youth versus Embracing Where You Are

“There's an awful lot of emphasis even in like male blogging and podcasting circles of, you know, eternal life kind of messaging and stuff. And that doesn't seem healthy to me. I think that if you can find a way to sort of embrace your life stage and accept that this is where you are and, instead of thinking ‘I wanna chase being younger,’ to realize that there's so many great things about being this age. … If you don't internalize a lot of shame and you don't put other people's expectations on yourself, then it's just much easier to sort of find the breathing room.”

Bridging Generations to Bring About Change

“I think the biggest thing [in effecting social and political change at this stage] is to connect across generations ... A lot of people would like to divide the generations, people who have a vested interest in dividing people. And so, you could be feeling really angry and resentful about the fact that, you know, if you're a, a young person, that older people grew up at a different time or vice versa – like the avocado toast ridiculousness that minimizes young people. So, I think being in community with people of all ages is a huge thing.”

When Your Partner’s on a Different Path

“A lot of juggling happens during the career-building or family-having years. And so you finally get to a point where you think, yay, time to write that novel or to go after this promotion I've always wanted – I finally have the time. And if your partner or other family members were on a different path, they could be in wind-down mode. And that means you have to have a lot of conversations. I remember one of the women I interviewed for the book saying literally she had to say to her husband, like, I'm just gearing up. This is my time. So, you're welcome to come on my adventures with me, but I'm not winding down and staying home and baking bread forever.”

Triage and Taking Aim at Burnout

“It’s almost like doing life triage. So, you wake up in the morning and, you know, the wheels have fallen off the bus because it's a snow day or something like that. And you have to say to yourself: okay, what absolutely has to happen today? What can be put on the back burner? Who could I tap into for support and resources? Because I think what we're talking about a lot here is levels of burnout, right? And one of the things that the research on burnout really shows is that you burnout when there's a huge gap between the expectations you're setting for yourself and the resources you have to meet those expectations.”

The Pressure to Gracefully Step Aside

“It is so unfair the way that often women feel like they're at the peak of their abilities to learn a particular skillset and they're right there and then somebody decides that they're too old or you know, that there's a new younger generation coming up behind them and they should just gracefully step aside. But that's so unfair 'cause you've just worked for decades to begin to have those opportunities.”

Extending Grace to Yourself and Others

“A lot of us grew up with the idea that it was more helpful in terms of achieving things to just be really self-critical … And then to learn that there's an alternative to that where you can say, I'm doing the best that I can in a really difficult situation like that, that feels so much better. And if we can be that kind to ourselves, we can be that kind to other people when you, you know, you show up at work and somebody's in a terrible mood and you know, you could get your back up and be grumpy too. Or you could realize like, something's not right in this person's life. Like they're having a really bad day. So I'm gonna give them some grace just like I would want them to extend it to me.”

Okay, Let’s Not

“That's the thing I love so much about being this age: of being proud of who I am, liking who I am, not thinking I'm perfect 'cause I am a deeply flawed human like everybody else, but having a sense of humour about that. So, if I get into one of my obsessive moods and I'm freaking out about little things, just saying, ‘okay, let's just not.’”

View a video of the discussion - complimentary to members.